HOGS FROM HELL

In the mid '90s miniature Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs were very popular in the pet trade. The little porkers attained a length of about twenty-four inches and a weight in the vicinity of 35 pounds - or so it was said - and made hearty and docile pets.When we saw them in the store we had to have one. A friendly young female was selected and my wife and I settled on the name Tiffany. Our house sits on three and a quarter acres of mostly wooded land so space was not a concern. Apparently our little pig chose to disregard the size expectations for her species. She began gaining weight quickly and it became obvious that Tiffany was going to be a big, fat pig. She didn't disappoint. But she was a sweet gal, with an engaging personality. Favorite activities included, of course, eating, and having her side scratched. Within a few minutes of the latter activity she would collapse into a blissful stupor. The routine never failed to elicit a chuckle from human observers. We so enjoyed Tiffany that the purchase of another pot-bellied pig was inevitable. The new one, a male we named Scooter, exhibited a temperament markedly different from his female companion. He was, shall we say, agressively self-assertive and I sometimes hesitated to turn my back on the little rascal. Apparently, our trash cans struck Scooter as rivals for the attention of Tiffany because he never tired of pushing them fifty yards through bushes and vines and into a stream.
From an early age Scooter displayed a relentless interest in sex. His attempts to mate with his girlfriend were Quixotic due to the size difference. But he persisted. That autumn Tiffany assumed an even more rotund appearance. In mid-November eleven adorable piglets arrived. As soon as they popped out of mom they were straining umbilical cords to the breaking point. With eyes and nostrils wide open, they were off and running. We loved the babies but didn't have the time or room to take on another eleven pigs. After they were weaned we donated them to a children's petting zoo.
As the months went by Tiffany grew even larger, and Scooter became more aggressive. We took to calling him, only half jokingly, Satan. Soon problems developed. Former homebodies, the pair now took it upon themselves to regularly investigate neighborhood yards. Any not earning their approval were dug up or defaced in more unpleasant ways. My wife and I became social outcasts. Circumstances forced us to the conclusion that, as much as we loved Tiffany and Scooter, we couldn't keep them. Finding them a proper home had us stymied until we met a guy who knew a guy with a horse farm. The farm owner, a kind-hearted fellow, agreed to take in our animals.
I've come to realize some things about pigs. They are intelligent, tough, and strong. Studies indicate they are at least as intelligent as dogs. And with the exception of unneutered males, pigs, at least the breed I kept, are affectionate and playful. What more could you ask for in a pet.